Los Angeles - 1996... where I became Mgmyself.

And now... where I am Mgmyself



i've found this little hole in my brain.
no, not physically, just a ghostly little hole at the third curve on the left, near that dead place you don't want to enter.
it's like a ghost town, only darker.
there hides the feeling i don't talk about.
there is where the locked boxes were supposed to be.
i can smell them.
i can sense their heat...

the hole...it's all there is: the hole.
i can't see anything but this enormous haunting silence coming from it's direction.
and this breeze.
it feels freezing but still warm and i feel like crying.
the silence is so immense it's like outer space.

i am adrift, floating in slow motion...
astronaut of my fears.


_ ...

I cheated on you last night
while you were here again

you and your huge presence


burning my eyes
like a jealous wolf
destroying my heart
like a furious storm

telling me you won't set me free

when I closed my eyes
he thought it was pleasure
but it was pain

the pain from your eyes
playing inside of mine


_the kidnapping

She stops the car and says:
“come in”.
He does what she says as if it was normal that she’d show up like this, no call, nothing. He kisses her face, turns the cd player on, asks if she wants a mint.
She says no, with a smile.

He: Where are we going?
She: Don’t know…Think I want to drive.
He: Why didn’t you tell me you'd come over?
She: What for? For you not to be here?
He: No. I could be here earlier so we could hang out for longer.
She: We have plenty of time.
He: Not that much. I have a birthday party I have to go to.

She turns the music up, in a clear sign that she doesn’t want to talk and lights up a smoke.
He: Don’t smoke…
She: Sorry, I need it.

And they're gone – one, naive. The other, desperate.
She knows that what she is doing is beyond wrong, but she doesn’t care, not this time around. She is positive about solving this story that had been stuck down her throat for longer than it should by now.

While the music plays loudly, and he's browsing through the 55 CD’s in the glove compartment, she sees him by her side… distracted boy… He doesn’t notice her thoughts, doesn’t see what she feels, doesn’t understand what she can possibly feel for a guy like him. Truth is, she is the one who can’t really understand. Too many differences! Her life experience and his innocence. Her knowledge and the simplicity of his thoughts. Her heart – all full of stories – and his – a blank page willing to be filled. But it’s like he’s already part of her, since forever. He says that he really wants it sometimes…she gets sad because he doesn’t truly want it. She tries to make him jealous…he says he’s not jealous of her. She feels like asking him: “Hey! Say that you adore me! Say that you hate me! Please feel something!”

He loves her presence but doesn’t make a move…She says she knows a story by it's first line, but not this time. This time she only has the impression that both of them are missing something way too good and beautiful, but she has no control of it. Or didn’t have any …until now.

They get to a small house far away from the city, near a lake, and as they arrive they step out the car.
“Who lives here?”
“We do.”
He smiles and climbs the steps that lead to the house’s door, turns around staring at the lake, takes a deep breath, looking happy.
“This is beautiful!”
She opens the door, throws the purse on the couch, and turns on the music: “And so It is…just like you said it would be…”

She walks to the kitchen, asks him if he wants some wine. Of course he does.
“This house reminds me of Bridges of Madison County. Have you seen it?”
No…of course not. He’s just a boy.

The day passes by in peace. Easy talks becoming easier minute by minute because of the wine, delicious laughs, and the almost magical sight of that boy sometimes... that man other times, the weak light of the sunset in the lake, the sparks of admiration in the eyes…contemplation…

“Do you want something to eat?”
“No, I need to go.”
“Call them and say that you’re not going. Say that your friend’s car has broken, you’re waiting for help with him, there’s not a way you’re going home now…you already missed the party, so you’re going to go out with your friend, sleep over his house, you’ll be back home the day after tomorrow.”

He laughs and grabs his jacket.
And what comes next is complicated.

Without the slightest smile, she shows him she is telling the truth: he could not go home. The car keys were hidden since the moment they entered the house, and a horrible argument comes along.
Nervous, he asks for the car keys, but she refuses to give it to him. He then speaks out loud, opens her purse searching for the keys, she's angry, he's aggressive trying to not lose his temper, she loses her cool and starts to cry, tells him she can't take the rejection coming from him anymore, that she can't understand it; he punches the door and demands for the key, she tells him to leave on foot, he gets the cell phone and tells her that he's calling a cab, she gets the car keys under a pillow and throws it at him, he says he's leaving without her, she gets up and throws herself against him to get the key, but he reacts quickly and firmly holds her arms until she stops...
A movie scene: they stare at each others' eyes, she cries, he looks mad, she leans her head against his chest, he holds her in his arms bringing her face up until their lips meet...
There! Finally!
And they kiss until she stops crying, he wipes her tears, she apologizes, tells him that she will never imprison him like that again..he is free to go. He tells her that he doesn't want to leave anymore, and they kiss again...
It's already dark, a heavenly silence takes over: not a bird outside, the music is over, only the sound of their mouths and their kisses... Only the sound of her tears drying, only the sound of clothes being thrown all over the floor, only the sound of their breathing...
The sound of his heart being filled... the sound of her heart writing him a beautiful story.
Two days and a half.
Two days and a half in a house by the lake. Lunches and dinners made by four hands, breakfasts in bed... Movie watching under the blankets, lots of wine and laughter, many kisses, plenty of love making, falling asleep while kissing, waking up in each others' arms.
Time passes and no one notices. The clock - their only witness - is not capable of revealing the time.
No one remembers about car keys. No one remembers the arguments that would stop all of this from happening. No one understands what made them avoid this for so long.

On their way back to the city, there they go: they are now a girl and a man. Their eyes are wet, their hands stuck together, silence.

He turns the radio on: “And so it is... just like you said it would be...life goes easy on me... most of the time”

And so it is.