Monologue
I’m driving my car when I see a lot of people and the noise they are making. I’m curious so I look at them and you are there. You see me. I keep driving slowly; you step out of the crowd, arms in the air, screaming my name. It seems so unreal, but you call my name again, and ask me to stop. I stop at the wrong spot, other people yelling at me and honking their horns, but there is nothing I can do. If I drive around the block I”ll probably lose you. No! I don’t dare to drive 10 meters. When I saw your arms up in the air, stretching your neck in order to see me, your voice screaming my name…I stopped. I could only stop.
I don’t turn around – I don’t look at you, I don’t look at the other cars. I’m afraid to move. I look at the rear mirror and I see you trying to find a way across the sea of people. My heart is beating faster. My stomach is frozen. I’m so afraid. “Why are you here?”
You get closer and closer, people try to understand where you’re going, those men trying to avoid the crowd to follow you, they want you to go back inside…and you get closer to the car. You stop at my car’s door and I stare straight ahead. I freeze, and then I look in the rear mirror that shows nothing anymore. My heart is jumping, my stomach is turning upside down; I close my eyes like a rock is being thrown at my head. You knock on the window. I open it and look in your direction; I’m afraid my heart would burst out of my chest and stain your clothes. You wear long sleeves underneath short ones, but inside you wear a smile so wonderful it could light up the entire street.
My heart beat changes when I find your eyes. It stops!
Three seconds of death and I need a smile.
You ask me where I’m going. I don’t know. “I don’t know anymore, what about you? Where are you going that you ended up here?” You open the car’s door, lift your hand to someone I can’t see, who enters my car as soon as I step outside. You ask him to park it and whisper in my ear that I’m not going anywhere, neither are you. The crowd confuses me and I can’t understand your presence, you are too close. How come you didn’t tell me? It’s like a dream or some delusion, but dreams can’t grab people’s arms and you grabbed mine to take me somewhere I don’t know.
We pass through all the crazy people and they ask each other who I am, nobody answers, neither do I for I’m no longer sure. All I know is you are here, jeans, two t-shirts, your happy eyes looking at me, and a smile so shinny it would light up the entire neighborhood. You take me by the hand and we run towards the elevator, you pull the “close door button” once, three times, four, five, and the door shuts just when the crowd is reaching us. You breathe closing your eyes and hug me in silence like you need shelter. But I am the one who finds shelter in your chest, my back hidden by your arms and your lips kissing my hair. I don’t say a word. I can’t. My voice won’t come out and I wouldn’t know what to say anyway. We stand like this as the elevator reaches the 10th floor. Once again you grab my arm and guide me through the corridor taking me god-knows-where…I look at you...so tall... and you stop, staring at me. We are in the middle of the 10th floor’s corridor and I don’t know why I’m here, or you, because you didn’t tell me…
You say I look better face to face, I say you don’t look bad either, you smile "inside of me" in a way I can’t explain, a smile so bright it would light up the entire city. You hug me again, but before I can respond, you take me in your arms and just walk kissing me, while my heart stops. I don’t say a word. I don’t know why this is happening if I’m awake, if I’m not alone, if I can feel you here.
You open the door and I see your bags. I suppose you’ve just arrived, so I do understand the reason why I didn’t know you were here. I wouldn’t tell you either. I’d arrive, dial your number and say: “Hey! What are you gonna do in half an hour?” Then I’d tell you that I’m here to see you, that I could not live this way anymore, in this vacuum of thoughts. Then you put me back on the floor and I see the room spinning, you ask me if I’m all right and kiss me again. You take me to the chair and tell me everything I've been dreaming of. You also say you were afraid I would run. Run away from you? You should know I can't.
You hold my hands and I remember how I want yours, so I keep them close to my face and I see your rings… now I am the one who smiles - a smile so deep it would explode the whole planet.
I kiss your hands for they exist and you understand exactly what I mean. You sure do.
Can I lie to myself? Please let me think I’m awake, let me think I’m not lonely and your smile is here, shining so much it lights up the entire universe!
I don’t turn around – I don’t look at you, I don’t look at the other cars. I’m afraid to move. I look at the rear mirror and I see you trying to find a way across the sea of people. My heart is beating faster. My stomach is frozen. I’m so afraid. “Why are you here?”
You get closer and closer, people try to understand where you’re going, those men trying to avoid the crowd to follow you, they want you to go back inside…and you get closer to the car. You stop at my car’s door and I stare straight ahead. I freeze, and then I look in the rear mirror that shows nothing anymore. My heart is jumping, my stomach is turning upside down; I close my eyes like a rock is being thrown at my head. You knock on the window. I open it and look in your direction; I’m afraid my heart would burst out of my chest and stain your clothes. You wear long sleeves underneath short ones, but inside you wear a smile so wonderful it could light up the entire street.
My heart beat changes when I find your eyes. It stops!
Three seconds of death and I need a smile.
You ask me where I’m going. I don’t know. “I don’t know anymore, what about you? Where are you going that you ended up here?” You open the car’s door, lift your hand to someone I can’t see, who enters my car as soon as I step outside. You ask him to park it and whisper in my ear that I’m not going anywhere, neither are you. The crowd confuses me and I can’t understand your presence, you are too close. How come you didn’t tell me? It’s like a dream or some delusion, but dreams can’t grab people’s arms and you grabbed mine to take me somewhere I don’t know.
We pass through all the crazy people and they ask each other who I am, nobody answers, neither do I for I’m no longer sure. All I know is you are here, jeans, two t-shirts, your happy eyes looking at me, and a smile so shinny it would light up the entire neighborhood. You take me by the hand and we run towards the elevator, you pull the “close door button” once, three times, four, five, and the door shuts just when the crowd is reaching us. You breathe closing your eyes and hug me in silence like you need shelter. But I am the one who finds shelter in your chest, my back hidden by your arms and your lips kissing my hair. I don’t say a word. I can’t. My voice won’t come out and I wouldn’t know what to say anyway. We stand like this as the elevator reaches the 10th floor. Once again you grab my arm and guide me through the corridor taking me god-knows-where…I look at you...so tall... and you stop, staring at me. We are in the middle of the 10th floor’s corridor and I don’t know why I’m here, or you, because you didn’t tell me…
You say I look better face to face, I say you don’t look bad either, you smile "inside of me" in a way I can’t explain, a smile so bright it would light up the entire city. You hug me again, but before I can respond, you take me in your arms and just walk kissing me, while my heart stops. I don’t say a word. I don’t know why this is happening if I’m awake, if I’m not alone, if I can feel you here.
You open the door and I see your bags. I suppose you’ve just arrived, so I do understand the reason why I didn’t know you were here. I wouldn’t tell you either. I’d arrive, dial your number and say: “Hey! What are you gonna do in half an hour?” Then I’d tell you that I’m here to see you, that I could not live this way anymore, in this vacuum of thoughts. Then you put me back on the floor and I see the room spinning, you ask me if I’m all right and kiss me again. You take me to the chair and tell me everything I've been dreaming of. You also say you were afraid I would run. Run away from you? You should know I can't.
You hold my hands and I remember how I want yours, so I keep them close to my face and I see your rings… now I am the one who smiles - a smile so deep it would explode the whole planet.
I kiss your hands for they exist and you understand exactly what I mean. You sure do.
Can I lie to myself? Please let me think I’m awake, let me think I’m not lonely and your smile is here, shining so much it lights up the entire universe!
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